Forgiveness.
It's a big word isn't it? A really, really big word.
I've been thinking about it a lot recently.
I'm a very stubborn person. A typical Taurus through and through. In fact, it's hard for me to budge on pretty much anything.
Surprisingly, I've never really seen it as a bad thing. I've always been proud of it; my ability to fiercely stick by my guns - when I truly believe in something - I see it through. I always have done.
BUT - (there's always a 'but' isn't there.)
Recently, I've been more inclined to think my stubborn nature has actually served me rather sourly.
I fell out with a friend a couple of years ago. She was my best friend in the entire world. The kind you love even when you hate and more comparable to sisters than friends.
I spent a solid year hating her. It seems odd to say that now - that word's so strong - could I really have HATED my best friend? I really was upset - truly, completely livid with her. It started as a blaze tearing through my body. I couldn't think or hear about her without bursting into flames of fierce rage. No amount of consoling words from my friends or family could douse it.
When I say it took a year to dampen down - it was that and then some. Eventually, the flames did wither - I wasn't full of outburst - but it left behind something else. There's no other way to describe it; those red hot embers manifested - my feelings became toxic, gangrenous and devastatingly consuming. Every mere mention left a bad taste in my mouth.
Embarrassingly, it was watching things like One Tree Hill and Gossip Girl and seeing the relationship between the two protagonists that finally broke through to me. I saw Serena and Blair and Peyton and Brooke torture each other repeatedly. They took each other for granted and let their insecurities undermine their relationship. I saw it all in my own friendship.
It was like watching a warped reality - but it had an effect. I came to realise that my anger had caused my heart to harden and slowly, it started to crack. Through the fractures - sadness seeped in.
My rage shattered into agony.
It was the worst breakup I've ever been through, I swear. Why do the people we love hurt us the most?
In the end, I stopped punishing her in my head. I was exhausted and reached out to her.
We got a coffee, we talked it through - and I decided to draw a line under it. I don't think I forgave her in that moment but I was tired of being angry at her. Tired of being poisoned by my own inability to move on.
Since then though, it's been...odd. Worse even.... is that strange? You see, when I was angry - I was too obsessed with my own fury to feel anything else. Now - we live our separate lives - too proud to admit pain. We text or send a gif when there's a birthday, but it's as if we never meant anything to each other.
It's been playing on my mind a lot. To the point where I feel like the universe is literally giving me signs.
Everything points to memories of us together - songs, outfits, interviews or films.
Yesterday, I did something I've never done before. My flatmate came home - sad and overwhelmed with the move to Leeds. We decided to go to the Buddhist temple to meditate. The first half was clearing our minds but the second was guided. The topic of this guided meditation I hear you ask... forgiveness.
I told you - signs.
She recited a few quotes in that guided meditation, they made me think about my own ability to forgive.
'Holding onto anger, is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.'
As I sit and type this tale, I can't help but wonder - would I have saved myself a whole lot of pain, if I simply had the ability to move on? Yes, she hurt me in the moment - but I've been hurting ever since - because I held onto it. Even drawing a line under it after we got coffee; my pain continued to build and burst and bleed and fester.
Did I do this to myself? Can I really blame her anymore for how I feel? If I'd have talked to her about it sooner - rather than holding onto it - would I have had a happier two years?
'Forgive, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace'
It's a very frustrating place to be in. I don't want to punish myself for the way I felt. I was entitled to feel it. BUT. Would I have been better off without those feelings?
'And if there is something I am not ready to forgive, I forgive myself for that'
All I know now, is it's been two years since my best friend and I laughed together or cried together or talked about boys together or bitched about our parents and our siblings together. The way we act now - it's as if none of it ever happened; Like we didn't grow up together.
It fucking sucks. I feel sadness and pain and longing.
You see, even though at the beginning of this little note I typed that she 'was' my best friend. In my head she still is. Nothing has changed. In my head - she'll still be there, by my side on my wedding day. Even though this time last year I couldn't bear to speak her name.
I'm not sure I'm ready to admit that to her yet but it's enough that I've admitted it to myself for now - enough to write it here - my little corner of the internet that probably won't ever be read.
'Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning'.
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