Career Fear.

I found this extract in my drafts today.

It's from a couple of years ago. I think it's the kick up the bum I needed. Unfortunately - I feel I've fallen victim to the one thing I didn't want to.

Here, I'd just grabbed my first contract - and I really could have stayed there forever but damn am I glad I didn't.

It's forced me to ask myself, what do you really want?

This is why I love writing; sure, photos capture moments but words capture feelings.

What did you want to be when you were younger? When they asked?

I always knew what I wanted. Sure, I changed it up a little; flicking inbetween dentistry and acting; flirting with the thought of owning my own business. I always came full circle though, time and time again coming back to the idea of becoming a journalist.

For hours I'd watch news readers on the telly or listen to them on the radio. I'd recite their words back to them, mimicking every intonation as if I was their 3 second signal delay. To be honest, I still do this even now.

I suppose I'm one of those lucky ones; who knew what they wanted from a young age.

Years later, I'm finally making my way, forcing my fingers through the hairline fractures in the media industry walls.

It's not been easy though - far from it.

My post-graduate years were spent serving cocktails in a casino - being groped by whoever graced us with their presence that night and brewing coffee in Starbucks through the day.

While the punters were grabbing me, I made sure I grabbed any volunteering opportunity I could, busting my gut for free at every chance I could take - just for that glimmer of hope that it could maybe, just maybe one day lead to my big break.

I have big dreams you see, they scare the life out of me because sometimes, they seem impossible: TOO BIG.

After four years in the media industry, I've finally made it into a secure position. I've got my first contract - with actual reasonable hours and holidays and a pension and everything (WHA?!)

But among that success, something strange has happened.

I'm no longer surrounded by young millennials working their asses off to get where they want. Somewhere along the line, my peers have aged. Instead, my office is full of people in their 30's and 40's and even their 50's. They've already 'made it'... with their families and pets and bank holiday plans.

Maybe it's my personality, or my upbringing, or maybe it's that damn millennial sense of entitlement...but I can't help but want more.

I want better.

I didn't bust a gut, slog my brains out, run myself dry just to stop here. To 'make it' at 24 and stop: get comfortable.

Don't get me wrong, my new job is everything I've always wanted. If I stayed here forever I wouldn't be unhappy...BUT I'm still looking into my progression and my career path four weeks in.

A few days ago, I broached the topic with a colleague and honestly it was as if I'd asked how to get away with murder. Why would I possibly ever want to move from standing still? He actually asked the question: "what more could I possibly want?"

How do you reply to that? Of course I'm grateful for the opportunities I've been given and proud of how far I've come, but is it wrong to be so ambitious? Am I asking too much? Is more success out of the question?

It's been playing on my mind. I've realised just how fine a line I'm now treading. Yes, I've succeeded in becoming a journalist. Yes, I'm on national news every other week and yes, I spend my days getting paid to talk to genuinely interesting people... but I've 'made it' with strings attached.

I'm at risk of something, potentially more deadly than failure: I'm at risk of getting comfortable and letting it all slide away.

This is the part where I say, "of course if you're the type of person that wants to stay in that one role for the rest of their lives, then great - fine - you do you gal, power to you."

It's just not for me.

As I run through conversations in my head, it's made me realise, that if I want to make it... MORE. Then it's down to me all over again.

I thought one day, I'd get to a point where I don't slog my guts out, where I'd be making loads of money and doing something I love. Maybe I'll still get to that point.

Do we ever really 'make it' though? Do we ever really know when we do?

Every time I walk into that office and see the experience buried into the wrinkles of every face, I'm truly terrified. It's seeing my potential future, exactly the same as I am now, perpetually frozen in this career move.

It's made me realise something... it's not that my dreams are too big and it's not the failure to 'make it' that terrifies me the most. It's almost making it and falling victim to the trap of routine. It's to be unwittingly stung by 'settling'.

It's forgetting what my dreams were in the first place.